Gluteus Maximus

When a person doesn’t talk much, it is almost a given that he develops two other skills to compensate — the art of listening, and the art of observation.

I used to be an artist. I would sit and stare at people, hoping to capture them in ways others never saw them with a pen and paper. There were the downward-sloping, submissive and almost resigned shoulders of the women, the (mostly false) tough look the men put on, and most importantly the wobble everyone’s rear moved with, impossible to capture on paper. The last was what fascinated me most and I would stare surreptitiously, understanding, even then that it wasn’t exactly unembarrassing to be caught looking.

Even then, the beginnings of a lifetime of fascination with, and dislike of bottoms were forming.

I’ve grown up in mostly male company and the importance men attached to that part of a woman’s anatomy baffled me. It would be interesting to get inside my head and examine the way my mind works. I see my fellow human beings as the sum of their parts — I’ve been known to stare at someone talking, observing the hinge-like motion as the lips parted and closed, or to observe the motion of two irides for close to an hour, oblivious to the presence, or even the existence, of the owner.

I believe I began to really hate them when I realized the role they served in the attraction of males, and the ways they were shown off — most tops stopped at the waist to maximize the surface area exhibited, tight clothing, and then, there was the exaggerated tail-wagging.

I’ve made mention of my preference for below-average bottoms almost ad nauseam and I would say it has less to do with liking bottoms than it has to do with not liking the implicit portrayal as a worthy feature, an asset, something to titillate. I’ve read with some amusement about members of the opposite sex who dress to show off busts and behinds to potentials, then get highly annoyed when the defining factor of the attraction is just that. I’ve been both shocked and amused at the disappointed yearnings of the ‘deficient’ whose only wish is to get a bigger seat.

I guess it might just be me, but where others see a bum, I see two deposits of adipose tissue. Enough said.

(Ranting in what I like to call my ‘Roundabout English’).
___________________________________________________________________________

Afropinay’s showing a new side. Pretty interesting post on love, I daresay.

Comments

  1. mari says:

    Gosh all this big english am reading today is beginning to hurt. LMAO

    Azuka, na wa for u sha… “where others see a bum, I see two deposits of adipose tissue”

  2. omo naija says:

    AZUKA thank you for this post oh! esp for those of us less endowed. I didn’t know one could use so much english to explain the bottom LOL

  3. Catwalq says:

    Finally, I have figured out how to get to your blog. Please don’t call me slow cos the link was right there in my face.

    Anyhow as a female, i really love my butt. It was the one thing I remembered to queue for before I left God’s house. I got the bottom of the hair, skin and height baskets because the first thing I got was speech and I was so excited about that that I did not remember to get back in line.

    What I am fascinated with when I watch people:
    1. What they do with their hands
    2. The sounds they make when they eat…if they do.
    3. The art of “forming” ( for whom I am not quite sure)

    What attracts me to a man, even though he might look like a thumb:
    1. The way he smells
    2. the way he thinks

  4. uzo says:

    LOL…Glutes are sexy…Have you seen 300? Enough said….

  5. twinstaiye says:

    “derriere” Could that be what azuka is talking about?

  6. idemili says:

    Kai! Let me not lie o! I was meant to be first! When I came here no comment was on but just as I was about to reply, some busy bodies came to stand behind me. Next thing they set up their rubbish chess and me I don’t want them to know about my blog…Anyway, I go lef am for God.

    LOL @ description. Me I always call them ‘tops of thighs’. I’m one of those who wishes I has some more.

  7. Keshi says:

    a tushy post and I needed a dictionary to u’stand this.
    🙂

    **the art of listening, and the art of observation.

    I agree and I so lack the first skill hehe.

    Keshi.

  8. Mad Hatter says:

    Bottoms are genetically large in some instances. In some instances they are for food storage. One has no control on the size.

    With reference to tight clothing – large bottomed women will tell you about thier struggles with waist verses bottom skirts or trousers

  9. Azuka says:

    Mari
    Ha ha. Of course I don’t talk like this — only when I’m arguing with myself [in my head, not aloud!]

    Omo Naija
    Call this joblessness…

    Catwalq
    Interesting. I’m thinking up something.

    Uzo
    Let’s see. I’ve read Plutarch, and I didn’t want to watch a tragedy… Sexy? Not to me!

    Twinstaiye
    Guilty as charged.

    Idemili
    I mean, why the desire for more? Personally I don’t think it serves much purpose.

    Keshi
    Lol. I love playing with words. You should have seen the original, heh heh… 😆

    Mad Hatter
    I understand how it is when it comes to sizes. It’s the way that region is regarded I really don’t understand. Look at pictures and you’ll know what I’m talking about — or is there a reason many ladies love their pictures taken from behind, or from the side, leaning forward or sucking in the back?

  10. Ejura says:

    Na wa oh!Azuka,it’s more than two deposits of “adipose tissue” oh.It’s bottom power!

  11. Biodun says:

    LOL, ROFL, am a lil confused but I get the gist, its just cracking me up!

  12. akin says:

    Funny you should write this post. I was thinking something along the same lines just yesterday, and how I have to observe peoples body language and stuff because of my photography and all. I guess I was influenced by my missus’s butt.. 🙂

    Your blogs are hillarious.. 🙂

  13. sherlcok holmes says:

    I definetly agree with your first sentence

  14. O says:

    omg i know you!

    You’re the moody suleja boy (:P) from the national geographic olympiad thing, small small world..i don’t believe it!
    I don’t believe I randomly ran into your blog (which is erm..interesting to say the least)!

    P.S: So i was reading your snob blog. I dont remember thinking you were a snob when I met/noticed you.. I just thought you had issues lol..

    I’ll be back mos def.

  15. Azuka says:

    Ejura
    Bottom power? I hear you!

    Akin, ‘Sherlcock’
    Thanks…

    O
    I think I know you too. You’re F — Y’s friend! Sorry I goofed when we met the second time. I didn’t mix too much and wasn’t sure I’d met you before so I asked,”I think I know you?”

    Y said you were annoyed. I didn’t mean to offend…

  16. Omo-Obanta says:

    Lol! Not all women well endowed in that area are lookin for how to expose it o. I started working out at first mainly to reduce my, erm, blessing! Maybe because was in obodo oyibo….
    And i definetely do not wiggle my tail: on purpose anyway!

    Very good writing!

  17. Kafo says:

    I LOVE THIS.

    u c adipose tissue

    WOW

    I’m really at a loss for words, i mean i like the whole thing about ladies showing off assests and then being disappointed when the guy who walks up to them is just all about the booty or the cup size.

    I like this.

  18. O says:

    I was going to ask how you figured out who I was in like what..three sentences? Then i realized my email must have been a big giveaway..oh well..

    Lol its ok, I don’t even remember it happening..not that I imagine it to be totally impossible, teehee.

    And I just saw you still have a picture from the thing. Nerd!:P

  19. chidi says:

    ok, gawd! so much huge grammar!! i think i need a dictionary to decipher. lol!!!

  20. Azuka says:

    Biodun
    Sorry, I didn’t intentionally skip you. Now I seem to remember you complaining about being deficient once on your blog…

    Omo-Abanta
    I stand corrected. Shall we say many?

    O
    Nerd? Am I one really?

    Chidi
    I can’t see any grammar in there. Okay I’ve found some…

    Don’t mind me — this is how I talk to myself.

  21. Vickii says:

    Lol Azuka, I love the way you can make a post out of the most random subjects! This is funny, you must be the first guy I have known in a long time who isn’t into ahem, well endowed backsides!

    I agree with some of the comments people have left, having a prominent bum isn’t always something we like. I don’t mind mine anymore but it annoys me that when I put on weight, it’s the first place it goes to …. although a lot of other women have spouted the whole ‘if you’ve got it flaunt it’ line when I’ve complained about it.

  22. lmao[email protected] tissue.. thats a new one… lol… i’ve always been ‘less booty endowed’… but which one concern me.. i’m cute and i’m nice and i’m fun and i’m smart… im more than my ass(spoken like a true ‘almost-flattie’… lol.. k maybe im not that bad.. but compared to…

  23. taureanminx says:

    You are a clown Azuka lol.

  24. Noni Moss says:

    Hmmm – interesting post. I’ve always had a big ass which has always garnered attention even when I was too young to understand the meaning. Like you, I also didn’t get what the fascination was.

    I used to hate the attention my ass used to get that once I started growing boobs, I went out of my way to flaunt them so that attention would be diverted from my ass. I think it worked too – my boobs are now more famous than my ass! Lolll

  25. Yemi says:

    lol! thank you for the laugh.

  26. desola baby says:

    Azuka, abeg you fit hit me up? I need your assistance please. I would email you but I couldn’t find your contact.

    My addY; [email protected]

    Cheers!

  27. Azuka says:

    Vickii
    Well, I seem to like going against the norm. Whenever I hear that “if you’ve got it, flaunt it” line, I wonder what there really is to flaunt…

    Overwhelmed
    Oya, own up. Whose ‘whatever’ are you making fun of?

    Taureanminx
    Thanks! 😆

    Noni Moss
    I also have issues with busts but well, bums seem to be the greater evil — for now. I thought it was supposed to be more disconcerting talking to someone who looks at your chest the whole time, as opposed to someone who ogles you from behind [where there’s a possibility of not even knowing?]

    Yemi
    I’m glad I made you laugh. Thanks for visiting!

    Desola
    I sent you an email.

  28. xcomp says:

    “Adipose tissue”? Funny man.

    Now excuse the expression, but stop being Mr. Robocop. Every man on the planet has a significant level of innate appreciation for a well-formed posterior. The question is what you choose with it — are you going to choose to be a man or a dog about it?

  29. Azuka says:

    Xcomp
    I suppose I have a hormone imbalance. 🙄

  30. Awoof says:

    Hehe. I find this entry very reassuring for some reason…

    I like your writing style.

  31. laspapi says:

    you’ve got interesting perspective, azuka. I hope you submit your works for the anthology.

  32. BabaAlaye says:

    Azuka, Didn’t somebody insure her Booty for a Billion Dollars? I forget who now. JLo?

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