Kama Sutra

My cellphone rang loudly, rousing me from the uneasy sleep I had just drifted into. I reached for it, with half a mind not to answer if it was my elder brother, ‘Chief.’ It was.

Courtesy, and the knowledge that I seldom called him, won out. I flipped the phone open.


“Hello! Azuka, this is Chi!” I was assailed by his loud voice. My brother, like my Dad, has a habit of shouting into the phone. I held it some distance away from my ear.

“Hello Chief,” I said. “You just woke me up.”

“Sorry, Azuka, I had something important to tell you.”

I already knew what he wanted, but let him go on just in case I was wrong.

“Did you remember to buy the book I asked you to?”

I was drifting off to sleep again.


“Yes, yes, I’ll buy it today,” I said. “You don’t have to remind me.”

“Ok,” he lowered his voice. “How’s school?”

“I’m done for the semester. Chief, I need to sleep — you know it’s night here.”


I think we both hung up the same time.

Later that day, I walked into Borders with my friend Kwame. While browsing, I picked two Clive Cussler books, surreptitiously looking at the section titles to see if I could find the book without asking the clerk for any information. She was a fiftyish, grandmotherly type, who helped me check whether there were any Marie Corelli books available, genuinely pleased (I think) at meeting someone who could talk books with her.

I summoned the courage to ask, “Um… do you have any copy of the Kama Sutra?”

The smile was still there on her face, but something changed in her eyes. The smile was suddenly not so inviting. Usually, she would walk me to the bookshelf where a book was to be found, but she nodded me towards the Relationships Section.

Good Lord, I thought, I’ve been labeled a sinner.

I got the edition with pictures. Chief had been specific about that.

I was checked out almost mechanically, and hurried out of the bookstore, Kwame trying to keep up with me.

I‘m pretending to have no idea why that happened, but I daresay I never felt more relieved when it was done and over with.


  1. Akin says:


    Whilst I was laughing out loud, I had the presence of mind not to roll on the fall just in case I came to greater harm than was necessary.

    Methinks your Chief has acquired some erectile enhancement therapy, the next stage is go out and show much of a man he is to the ladies.

    Obviously, you were to understand this rather than be embarrassed at the bookshop – once you have sent to book home, expect to see a review in the Nigerian Sun about how Kama Sutra is the big thing in Nigeria.

    The beer parlours would never be same again, the conversations would blue with tales of exploits unspeakable, all because you gave in to the request.

    Now, can I make a face like the fifty-ish lady at the shop?



  2. Rita says:


    But the book was meant to be sold…The clerk should be ready to explain what is inside the book to the reader : -)

  3. princesa says:

    How u been Azuka?

    Left naija already??

  4. Vera Ezimora says:


    That’s like shopping for condom when it’s behind the counter. lol. Sorry, dude.

    By the way, what were you doing in Wal-Mart two (abi three) days ago? You know I have eyes everywhere. lol.

  5. Confessions says:

    Lol!! Next time you wanna buy something freaky- buy via Internet! I know dats wat i do *Wink*

  6. Azuka says:

    Ahem. Now I doubt your making that face would seriously faze me. For some reason, I get more flustered when that face happens to be on a member of the opposite sex — fiftyish, grandmotherly type, or “youngish” with a face that seems to tell you, “Never been there, never done that – and you’d better not have such thoughts either!”

    Ah, you wan kil me? I can’t imagine standing there for an extra minute getting the overview of the book while the lady would sooner have fetched something to tan my hide – figuratively.

    Doing good. I left in August — didn’t I say so?

    You sure sound like you’ve been in that predicament. Hmmmm. Can’t say I’m not pleased at envisioning you standing embarrassed at the counter, although knowing you, you just might pull it off in such a way that the poor guy there gets a case of the blushes instead.

    Are you really, really positive you saw me there? I doubt you did, except perhaps our mutual friend A told you ‘something.’

    Well, it was partly my fault too. I kept forgetting to order it off Amazon and before I knew it, it was time to go back home.

  7. AlooFar says:


    I have a similar experience. I went to the bookshop to get some books. Lo and behold, I saw Kama Sutra “Latest edition” just around the corner. Almost immediately, I returned the book i was browsing to the bookshelf. I picked kama sutra. Bros, as I leafed through the pages, i stole a glance at the bookshop attendants. Damn! those guys wore a this-rotten-man look on their faces. But who cares? I just continued flipping the pages. Those Images! LHM!

    The next time I went there. One of the attendants just told me straight… “we have a newer edition of Kama Sutra.” I ignored the spite in her voice. Shap shap, I went to that corner, i’d like to call the holiest corner in the bookshop.

    I didn’t buy the book though. But I UPDATED πŸ˜‰

    RE: Please I won’t mind meeting those nurses again as long as it won’t require falling sick again πŸ˜‰ Man, I’m better. Thanks.

  8. Mz. Dee says:


    Tsk… child of d devil!

    First tym here.. as directed by icequeen. Love ur blog!

  9. Oracle says:

    Azuka, A thousand years is nothing compared to the time we’ve been incommunicado. Whatz good with you?

    Funny post.

  10. Hmmm! I feel you pain – immediately labelled as a sinner for picking up a book. That’s what online shopping is for πŸ™‚

  11. mak says:


    Your writings are still just as good. Thanks for being back.

    I have a few songs on myspace.com/makrythm. Would you like to check them out and tell me what you think?

    Of course when you have time.

    welcam back, though you’ve always been.

  12. Chxta says:

    Forget all that. The book is a great read, and useful too…

  13. Azuka says:

    Kai, all these holy-holy people. I wonder how they know what the book contains if they’re so pure.

    Mz Dee

    Forgive me, sir, so many things going on at once.

    Favoured Girl
    I’ll keep that in mind for next time (if there’s one).

    There’ve just been so many things going on, but I promise to listen to your songs and let you know what I think. By the way, I love the new look of your blog.

    Hmmm. Perhaps I really should read it (I haven’t yet), although I have a faint idea of what it contains.

  14. Cyn says:

    lol – You should have just ordered it from borders.com, and saved yourself the embarrassment!

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