Gourmand

Noun

gourmand (plural gourmands)

  1. a person given to excess in the consumption of food and drink. A greedy or ravenous eater; a glutton.

I’ve been gaining a lot of weight in the past few months and I was beginning to wonder if it had anything to do with my drinking hot chocolate and eating bread in the middle of the night while in front of my computer.

Tonight just before I went to scrub my shoes, I measured the usual quantity of rice I eat into my ‘little’ ceramic bowl, topped it with water and put it in the microwave. When it was done, I decided not to eat from the bowl tonight — instead, I emptied it into one of my dishes.

Was I glad I did!

There before me was the largest platter of rice I’d ever seen. Looking at it, I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat all of it. The problem was I had been eating the same everyday! I couldn’t believe I ate something fit for three square meals in one sitting three times a day! Little wonder only two of my jeans fit and I have a hard time running up the stairs.

Well, it’s back to flat plates for me and I really hope I manage to shed all this unwanted fat. Jeez!

In other news, I just remembered a little joke told by one of my colleagues in my CADs Consulting days. One of the guys on the team got an NYSC posting to Zamfara State and we were giving him suggestions of ‘better’ places to serve in:

Two new corpers got posted to a very remote village in Cross River State. It had no running water, electricity or any of the more basic amenities. The guys reassured themselves that they’d be able to survive and if they couldn’t take things anymore, they’d head back to the camp at Calabar and establish their base in the city.

They had been urged in the strongest terms to head straight to the Chief’s hut as soon as they arrived so they did just that. To their consternation, he immediately ordered a town meeting because he wanted to show them to the villagers. They tried to dissuade him from drawing attention to them but he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

When everyone had gathered, the Chief placed the embarrassed corpers on a pedestal and announced:

“These people are government pikins. Look at their faces very well. Nobody should eat them or we’ll be in trouble with the government.”

An old, nearly toothless woman piped up:

“People from the town don’t even taste good. I ate one of them once.”

Biodun don’t be scared! πŸ˜†

Comments

  1. delilah 3 says:

    Oh Mi Gawd. LOL. DO you Know why people from the town dont taste GOOD???? I know cos i had a close encounter with some cannibals. Will give you the gist later.

    Really? Oya spill the gist!

  2. nilla says:

    Sitting in front of the computer for long can also make you gain weight too I think

    That’s true, although not directly. I think the temptation to dine on junk food is greater during ‘screen time.’

  3. mochafella says:

    “Bowls” can be quite deceptive. A glass of water instead of hot chocolate and bread will save you from the extra calories and ensure you get time away(restroom break) from the monitor on an hourly basis.

    Thanks Mocha. I’ll keep that in mind. Why don’t you blog? πŸ˜‰

  4. Jaycee says:

    lolll…eyahhh, so u threw it away? Anyways, medically speaking u shouldn’t be eating after 12 mid-night Azuka. Or late at night. The reason is because people tend to sleep immediately they eat at that time and three things can happen: the food won’t digest properly, you may get ‘acid reflux’ back into ur throat, and you WILL get fat…lol.

    Guess what? I do it too (lol), but my reason is different. I’m trying to gain some weight. But since u’re trying to do the opposite, u may want to propel towards the opposite direction…

    ps: Azuks…according to ur investigation, I also did some snooping around, so ur cousin “A” is my tres bon mon ami (beaucoup)…lol, thats so funny! I told her u’ll be a billionaire author real soon…with the way u write…lol…as small as u are…

    Thanks Doc. Symptoms exactly as stated.

    Small world isn’t it? We need to get her to start blogging, don’t you think?

  5. you cook rice in the microwave? i heard about this but i never believed it.. [email protected] cannibals… and ithought it was ngwa people(in abia state) that ate human meat.. lol( i know i’m so getting hatemail for that!). my dear no be only you dey gain some weight recently sha… for me it’s been too much cheesecake and late night pizza.. i haven’t cooked in over a week.. i gotta stop 4real!

    Well, as long as it hasn’t done anything to our pretty bow legs, all is well πŸ˜›

  6. Gridl0ck says:

    Government pikins, lmao. They had no idea he was trying to protect their hide.

    I wonder what human meat tastes like…

    Ask William Buehler Seabrook.

  7. taureanminx says:

    I agree with Jaycee, you shouldn’t be eating so late anyway. Lol @ the joke. Biodun you don kolo!

    Today I ate my dinner at 5:50pm. Three yays for me!

  8. snazzy says:

    azuka, the american portions suck you in. Rather than fight a losing battle, give in and embrace the large portions. Trust me on this, you’re gonna miss ’em when they’re gone. ‘Sides that’s what exercise is for, or so they tell me. Though if you want really want to lose the weight you could join Biodun in NYSC. Jenny Craig a’int got nothing on camp.

    I don’t think I’ve got much to miss. This is my cooking I’m talking about ;-).

  9. mari says:

    OMG, I think I’ve heard that joke before but it didn’t stop me from cracking up. I wonder how true stories like that are? My geography teacher used to tells us stories about his NYSC days in some remote village, probably close to Calabar. They were funny and scary.

    Hmmm, am sure Biodun will be fine.

    So where’s Calabar Girl? She’s gto to come and explain what her neighbors are doing.

  10. temmy tayo says:

    That cracked me. Too much oyinbo food na in cause am o.

    Na so we see am oh!

  11. Ibikunle says:

    you have a nice blog!

    Thanks

  12. Naijabloke says:

    Very funny …hahahahahaahahaha
    and refering to Biodun was priceless …

    Azuka ..just make sure u do 20 push ups every morning and nite and u shd be fine

    You wan kill me? Even when I was ‘in shape’ I could only do 10 — but then, I used to do those on the back of my hands :-P.

  13. Boso says:

    I did my NYSC in Cross River, I know EXACTLY where you’re talking about….

    Really? I hope you weren’t one of the corpers in the story? :lol

  14. confusednaijagirl says:

    lol eyyahh!! you are geting fat in the middle!!?? yeah do some pushups as naijabloke said. As for that joke oh funny as heck but scary. I hear they are still places where they chop human beings in niaja.

    Not in the middle :-o. Everything’s accumulating around my cheeks and legs.

  15. Keshi says:

    I eat rice almost on a daily basis…but I walk alot and do a lot of cleaning ard the house…so it helps me stay in shape πŸ™‚

    Keshi.

    Good for you. Now if I weren’t so lazy…

  16. Vera Ezimora says:

    Not all fat is bad o. Tell me, where did it go? Hehehe

    Into Vera’s eye. πŸ˜€

  17. Nomad says:

    That joke is classic! It had me in stitches. I doubt if it’s true though, although my cousin whose mum is from Ngwa in Abia state claims some people from Isi-ala ngwa do. Or it just the typical human way of trying to put other communities down to eleveate ones own…the pull him down syndrome (phd).

    That’s true. That day someone even made the claim that people from Ondo were man-eaters and our Akure teammate deflected it to immigrants from Delta into Ondo.

  18. Calabar Gal says:

    Dang!! You hit the nail on the head. Drinking hot chocolate and eating bread in the middle of the night while sitting in front of ur computer. Thats the genesis of your weight gain. You are hereby banished from ingesting anything edible after 6pm till further notice.

    LOL!!! I know the village youa re talking about too. Its called Ugep and incidentally is in CR. Biodun is perfectly safe as everyone in Ugep has repented from eating human beings. If at all they really used to eat human beings at all. Its a myth that was passed around a lot those days that bears no semblance of truth in these modern times. I’ll shout it out loud:

    “Ugep people no longer eat human beings” LOL!!!

    Sentence accepted. By the way, are you from Ugep? I think the lady doth protest too much πŸ˜†

  19. nyemoni says:

    Oi! This is so hilarious! I dunno which is funnier… you eating enough for three or the Calabar NYSC experience… You berra start using proper dishes to eat before you turn into Yokozuna…

  20. Biodun says:

    NO Azuka u didnt just put that joke up, I dont plan on being posted in some scary village o, knock on wood, so I wont even think of it. Calabar girl, so they really used 2 eat PEOPLE!! The joke was hilarious though!

    Stick 2 the plates if that works for u. I have gained a lil weight myself n its not funny:(

  21. Calabar Gal says:

    No Way!! My name Speaketh for itself!!! I’m a proper CALABAR GIRL!!!

    I’d have loved you to be Ugepian, lol. Afterall you already feast on Canis lupus familiaris.

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